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“Female orgasm” perplexed? Mmhmm.

This post is the first in a new series exploring relationship, sexuality, and communication. It’s intended to be an honest portrayal of the human experience, written from my heart, with the intention of supporting a deeper way of connecting.


orgasmWe all wish the mysterious “Female Orgasm” came with an instruction manual. Men and women alike. Or at least some “Top 10 Tips”?

Wish I could throw you a bone here and tell you I have the magic ticket. But instruction manuals just don’t work.

The problem being:: everybody’s focused on “technique”. Anatomy. Stimulate this, touch there, then a+b = screaming, writhing orgasm, right?

But the number of women who’ve quietly confided in me that they they don’t experience orgasm, or at least not regularly, is a damn good giveaway it’s not that simple. They fake it so their partner isn’t worried…

I refuse to believe that their partners are sexual luddites who still don’t know what the clitoris is all about — because they’re talking to me, too. They want to give their lovers endless, beautiful orgasms, and can’t figure out what they’re doing wrong.

Orgasms are one small part logistics, and one enormous part… a whole lot more.

Ok, so let’s establish a couple basic premises of orgasm:

Number one: Lovers must, at least for a moment, surrender to the experience. The explosion of energy. That expression of divine bliss that makes us scream, or moan, or whimper, or gasp…


And that lack of control isn’t just the magical essence, it’s required. But to surrender to the orgasmic wave of pleasure requires that we trust our partner to hold space for the vulnerability that ensues: heart wide open, body electrified and tender, having just been witnessed in explosive ecstasy by another. Which, let’s be honest, involves making weird faces and writhing in bliss.

Um, hello? Only possible when you feel completely held, supported, and in a fully trusting space with your partner.


Number 2: Lovers need to trust themselves to surrender to pleasure.

We spend so much energy on staying put together, only to fall apart in one moment of universal connection?

Riskyyyyyyyyyy… What if? What about? What if I…

Do you trust your body? Do you trust your pleasure? Can you accept the magic of orgasm, even if it feels chaotic, wild, out of control?

No? Mm, then you will block them, Lover, every damn time– no matter how adept your partner is at stimulating all the right spots.

Personally? This was the key that unlocked that beautiful door. I never trusted myself, no matter how much I loved my partner — so I couldn’t relax enough to surrender. (Thank god that’s behind me…)

For a woman who trusts and feels safe with her partner, for a woman who trusts herself… Orgasm is actually pretty damn easy.

One orgasm. Five orgasms. It’s all possible and doesn’t require some crazy technique.

Just a whole lot of trust and freedom, first.

[How does one establish that? To be continued….]
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